I don"t know where to begin with #11. # 10 went well, I rebounded quickly and felt okay for the most part. Then had surgery, which has proved to be a good decision, as I am able to sleep laying in my bed, all night, most nights.( I really missed my bed for those 5 months...) I cough less now but it seems to hurt more when I do. I don't even want to think about sneezing!
I thought it would be a walk in the park. For now, I am no longer taking the oral chemo xeloda. I had a bone supplement and 2 IV chemos called methotrexate and navelbine. #11 KICKED MY REAR! I slept for 3 days, and spent much of my nights in tears because my bones hurt so badly. The pain in my spine was intense to say the least.
My mind can go to some dark places if I let it. Often times it is at night. I think about death. I think about the things I know I'm going to miss in my boy's lives. Graduations, girlfriends, weddings, grandchildren. I think about Joe and the promise I made to him so many years ago to grow old together.
One night I said it out loud, almost angry: "I don't get to feel good again, do I?" I think God was waiting for me to ask because he gave me this: From my son Brandyn's FB page I read Psalm 16:9-11. I love the whole chapter.
1 Keep me safe, my God,
for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”
3 I say of the holy people who are in the land,
“They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
4 Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
or take up their names on my lips.
5 LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
11 You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
I don't know if I will ever feel healthy again while I am on this earth. I do know that I feel loved and cared for. I do know that my good days are not gone. In fact this week Monday and Tuesday were good days. I had coughing and pain throughout the days but I also had fun, laughter and indescibable joy in my heart.