I have not blogged for a while
I find it very difficult to write anything right now. This is my "fluff" blog. It is where I chronicle all of the happy of being a mother and a grandmother. It has been kept, for the most part, pretty ,safe, free from really private and heart wrenching matters. Families all go through things, but we usually do not put it out in Cyber World for everyone to see.
My family is going through something. Not infidelity, not job loss, not a major move, but the very real possibility of one of us leaving this world sooner than she should. Losing my mother was expected. She was 90 years old. She had lived a very full and rich life. With her is the realization that she was going to die, we were prepared. Everyone wants to keep their loved ones forever, never wanting to face the reality of death. Losing my daughter is the hardest thing God has ever put into my life. I cry, I scream inwardly, I beg, I pray. I find comfort in Him to only begin the cycle over again. I think of my friends who have lost a child. I wonder how long it takes before they begin to function again. Do they ever function on the same level they used to. Is there a huge void forever? People say you will heal, but do you really. Yes you go on with life. You have to, others are depending upon you. Much as you may want to, you cannot withdraw, you cannot quit. People get hungry, the house gets dirty, the laundry must be done, yes, I know life goes on. I know He is in control. I know that even when she was in my womb, He knew at her conception how long he would leave her here on the earth before taking her to her heavenly home. I know all of that............We are suppose to rejoice when a Saint is called home. Why am I not doing so?
My family is going through something. Not infidelity, not job loss, not a major move, but the very real possibility of one of us leaving this world sooner than she should. Losing my mother was expected. She was 90 years old. She had lived a very full and rich life. With her is the realization that she was going to die, we were prepared. Everyone wants to keep their loved ones forever, never wanting to face the reality of death. Losing my daughter is the hardest thing God has ever put into my life. I cry, I scream inwardly, I beg, I pray. I find comfort in Him to only begin the cycle over again. I think of my friends who have lost a child. I wonder how long it takes before they begin to function again. Do they ever function on the same level they used to. Is there a huge void forever? People say you will heal, but do you really. Yes you go on with life. You have to, others are depending upon you. Much as you may want to, you cannot withdraw, you cannot quit. People get hungry, the house gets dirty, the laundry must be done, yes, I know life goes on. I know He is in control. I know that even when she was in my womb, He knew at her conception how long he would leave her here on the earth before taking her to her heavenly home. I know all of that............We are suppose to rejoice when a Saint is called home. Why am I not doing so?
Evy, this is heart wrenching to read. "rejoice"? Because your beautiful, courageous daughter might be with Jesus sooner than she 'ought' to be? HOW? We can rejoice all we want, and one of the ONLY condolences for me after having lost my sweet, dear husband almost 2 years ago is that I know where he is, but I MISS HIM. And you will miss her. A dear Christian friend reminds me that my husband doesn't miss me because he's so happy now in heaven he wouldn't come back if he could because he knows what we only believe, that this earthly life is but a blink of the eye and I'll be there soon...but, you know all of this and I feel awkward even typing more. Your Saint will be happy, and pain free, too.
ReplyDeleteYour post is so brave, so full of witnessing and humility and love and humanness....
God bless you and your daughter and everyone who loves you both. I'm praying for you. love, Z
I just looked at your other blog; am I to understand you are also losing your sister? I have four and I don't know how I would face losing any one of them. I often say that God knew what he was doing when he made me the eldest because I couldn't face seeing one of them go. (I never tell about my family at my blog, so I know you'll keep the amount of sisters private! xx)
ReplyDeleteplease write to me at geeeZ@earthlink.com if you have the time.
Because you are a mother. God never intended death in the first place. The garden was our perfect place. But as we know, sin came in and things went haywire. You are a mother, Evy! It is ingrained in you to protect, love, and nurture your children. That's what we do. It is not in the natural order of things that mother should have to watch a child die. There is NOTHING wrong with you! You can't rejoice now....you are grieving. There is no way to get through this, except one minute at a time. God will give you what you need ONLY when you need it...not one second before.
ReplyDeleteTake each day as it comes. Let your feelings come...whatever they may be. Your feelings will most surely pass...only to bring on more deeply felt and confusing ones as time goes on.
Right now, just be with your daughter. We are all praying...for you...for her...for an end to this dreaded disease! You are NOT alone Evy. We love you and support you and will continue to do whatever we can for you. God Bless you, Evy. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
I am praying for you...for strength to be there for your daughter. I can only imagine your pain. I pray for peace for you. Mommy's are supposed to make things better(even when the kids are grown) and when we can't do that it leaves a restlessness in our hearts. I pray that God covers you with love, layers and layers of love to ease the pain and anger and frustration. I pray for your daughter for healing and peace.
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